Taking My Dad to Concerts and the ER

Back in the 70s when I was still a teen, my Dad would take me to concerts. These weren’t concerts I wanted to go to and he’d drive. These were concerts he wanted to go to and – after I got my license – I’d drive.

Usually these were singers he’d heard on the radio. We saw Freddie Fender, Mel Tillis, Anne Murray, people like that. Then there was the time he bought tickets for someone he’d never heard sing. I had, though, and loved her songs. Finally, a concert I wanted to go to. Still, I wondered why he wanted to go. I found out when we got there.

High Energy Concert

We sat down a few minutes before the show and Dad started a conversation, as he often does, with the people in front of us. They were all dressed up and excited to be there, and asked Dad if he was a fan.

“I don’t know much about her, but I really enjoyed listening to her father so I thought I’d come.”

“You’re going to love her,” the young couple told him.

“The style is different,” I added, “but she’s great.”

“And she puts on a great show,” they said.

So we sat back and watched Natalie Cole positively kill it on stage at the Circle Star Theater. They were right. Great show.

That night came to mind when “This Will Be” came on the radio on the drive to work this morning.

Low-key Emergency Room

The phone rang a few minutes before 8:00 the other night. It was a police officer asking me to review a request for an emergency protective order. While listening to the brief statement of facts, the phone beeped to tell me another call was coming in. The display said it was Dad. He rarely calls that late. He usually always calls me at 5:15 to catch me on my drive home from work and to catch up on how things are going.

I called him back at his assisted living apartment and he sounded like he was speaking through a nose full of tissues. It turns out he was.

“The person here is working on my nose. It won’t stop bleeding.”

“Did you give them your nose clamp?” That’s the little plastic spring clamp the emergency room triage nurse gave Dad when he had a nose bleed that wouldn’t stop a couple months ago.

“No. I don’t know where it is. Do you want to talk to her?”

I talked to her and she said they were calling for an ambulance to come by to check him out. I told her I was on my way. By the time I got there ten minutes later the ambulance driver had already checked out Dad. The bleeding was stopped by then, but she recommended Dad be seen at the ER.

We drove across town to the hospital and signed in. The place was crowded. It took about a half hour to be seen by the intake nurse, another 90 minutes to be taken to a tiny curtained off portion of the emergency room, and another half hour for the doctor to come by.

I’d heard him helping other patients, each time introducing himself and then apologizing for the long wait. Dad kept saying he hoped it would only be a matter of being looked at and then they’d tell us to go home.

That’s how it turned out. The doctor came by, apologized for the long wait, checked Dad out, and said that once the bleeding had stopped there was really no reason to be seen at all. I mentioned the concern of the ambulance driver and the doctor said, “Yeah, well, you know …” or something like that. He also gave some insights on cause, so I said I’d follow up with Dad’s primary care doctor the next day.

We got out of there after 12:30, drove back across town where I walked Dad up to his apartment and then dropped off his discharge paperwork with the medical staff, and finally made it back home to shower (I always feel like I have to shower after trips to the ER) and go to sleep a little after 1:00. Getting up for work later that morning was an interesting endeavor.

Dad’s doctor and I spoke the next day, she made a change in his meds, and the hope is this will take care of the nose bleed issues.

Living Somewhere Between Pop Concerts and Emergency Rooms

Dad and I in a photo booth during a barbecue festival at his place in 2017.

Dad and I haven’t gone to a concert together in decades. Nowadays our trips out are either for medical appointments or sitting in a coffee shop and just visiting. In fact, most Saturday mornings you’ll find us at one of the small coffee shops that fill our college town. Dad always insists on paying for the drinks – hot chocolate or iced tea for him, coffee or chai for me – just like he paid for the concert tickets when I was a teen.

I’m at an age when I’d rather sit together over coffee than go to a concert, and driving to scheduled medical appointments is certainly much better than getting a nighttime call for a trip to the ER. Dad is at an age where most people would be happy simply to still be around, yet he’s able to live in his own apartment and enjoy trips, good food, and days filled with activities from exercise classes to movies in the theater room to musicians and singers coming in a couple afternoons a week.

So I guess Dad still gets to go to concerts.

***

Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD. (Leviticus 19:32.)

Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. (Proverbs 23:22.)

I hope I show respect to Dad not only in my actions and words, but in my thoughts as well. I don’t have the opportunity to do the same for Mom. She died when I was 14. What life might have been like if she had been with us for these past four and a half decades is a recurring thought for me.

***

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A Trial Court Judge Talks of Faith and Grace

What’s it like to be a trial court judge, exercise faith, and live in grace? Lauren Larkin and I talk about this and more on her podcast Sancta Colloquia today. Here’s an excerpt from her introduction. You can click through to listen in on our conversation. Lauren’s a good interviewer who got me to say more than I even knew I had to say about all this.

“What I found out from my conversation with Tim is that it is important to maintain the distinction between the Law and the Gospel. One needs to let the law of the court and of society operate as the law and being detached here is key. Tim told me, wisely, that a judge is not in the role to be judging the personhood of the person, and it’s this that Tim carries with him to the bench. A good judge keeps control and remains open …” [click here for the podcast]

 

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The Blessed Irony of Good Friday

A gruesome irony: God became a carpenter who worked with wood and nails, and was then nailed to two pieces of wood. Yet he knew this gruesome irony before time began and submitted to it just the same.

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death — even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:8.)

and,

For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2.)

for you,

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. (Colossians 1:19-20.)

meaning,

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! (Romans 5:9-10.)

God became human so you could be reconciled to him. He loves you that much.

***

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Hospice, Worry, and Faith: a Brief Look at Anxiety and Prayer

There’s a toll to feeling on edge every moment of every day. From first waking in the pre-dawn hours to that final moment before falling back to sleep in the evening darkness, every single moment feels like it is lived on that edge.

This is life with a parent on hospice.

Dad has good days and bad days, or perhaps I should say good hours in the day and some that are not good. He still enjoys participating in the activities in his assisted living apartment house (a place I have often characterized as a cruise ship on land). He also sleeps much of each day. I spend a lot of time thinking about how he is doing when I’m not there visiting.

Phone calls come in from the staff. Every time I see that number on caller id I am gripped with apprehension. Most of the staff has learned to start routine calls with “This is not an emergency call. I just wanted to let you know … .” If it is an emergency, they say that too.

More often than not the calls are still not an emergency. But there are a lot of calls regarding Dad’s care. Calls from the staff and management of his facility, and calls from the hospice nurse or chaplain or social worker. Dad’s been on hospice for a week now, and he could be on it for months. Or more. Or a lot less.

Signing Dad up for hospice took over two hours of talking with the intake nurse and social worker. We sat in a small well-appointed conference room just off the assisted living facility’s main lobby. They took me and Liz, my wife, through all the details, lots of paperwork to review and sign, and answered the questions we’d brought. Actually these were the questions Liz and I had discussed but she’d written down to bring up. She is much better than I am at thinking through these types of things and then following up with questions, getting answers, and clarifying expectations. I thank God for her presence in my life to come alongside me and hold me up when I am faltering.

It takes a toll on her as well. As she said the other day when we were talking about the burden we are both carrying:

“We’re constantly waiting for the next phone call, not knowing what we’ll be needing to handle this time.”

That constant waiting has me on edge every single moment of every day.

Getting a Grip

Handle the things you can, I tell myself. Don’t worry about the things you can’t.

Sometimes that works. A lot of times it doesn’t. And then I read this on Twitter:

There isn’t enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You must decide which one will live there.

So the times when my little self talk doesn’t work are times I’m not exercising faith? Not true. The times when I worry are the times I am driven to God in prayer.

They aren’t long thought-out prayers. They’re short and desperate prayers. They’re prayers born of worry and distraction that can easily lead to rising anxiety. They’re prayers that seek God’s help – any type of help – when I feel helpless and start drifting into hopelessness as well.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit calms my heart. Sometimes God brings a person alongside me in that moment. Sometimes I remember how much Jesus loves me and desires for me to be resting in him. Sometimes I recall scripture such as these passages:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.(Matthew 11:28.)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7.)

And sometimes I still worry.

Handle the things you can. Don’t worry about the things you can’t. This reminder works occasionally. When it doesn’t, I haven’t failed to make room in my mind for faith. I am driven to exercise my faith through prayer because one thing I know is that even when I am on edge every moment, even when I feel anxiety rising within me and I am ready to crawl out of my skin, even when I am overcome with worry, Jesus is with me always.

That’s one less thing to worry about. But I still spend most of my waking hours feeling like I’m right on the edge and worrying.

***

For more on worry and faith, see Casting My Cares on Jesus? Why Worry Still Overtakes Me.

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Bible Memes You Never See

I’m thinking of publishing a new Scripture translation. I’m going to call it The Meme Bible.

Meme – a humorous image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.

Bible – a collection of texts sacred in Judaism and Christianity.

Spend any time on social media and you’ll see memes. Spend time on social media where Christians post their thoughts and you’ll see Bible memes, complete with chapter and verse, offered to inspire and encourage people through the word of God.

Yet I’ve never seen a meme for Job 2:9b. Instead, I see memes on the blessing of abiding in Christ, and on the love of God and loving one another. They always feature pleasant typeface and compelling imagery  such as rainbows, running horses, storm-tossed seas, and more images that draw the eye to the text.

Meming Responsibly

I have to admit that there are days when I run across a Bible meme and it encourages me greatly. God’s word will do that. After all:

[God’s] word is a lamp for my feet,
    a light on my path. (Psalm 119:105.)

and,

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17.)

Which brings me back to my original observation. If all Scripture is God-breathed, why are some verses overlooked? Perhaps if they were coupled with compelling images – rainbows and landscapes, perhaps – like this one about an Apostle from the first chapter of Acts:

Acts 1_18Hm, not as encouraging as I’d hoped.

Or here’s a verse from Genesis regarding Abraham’s descendants:

Gen 23_13-15Well, that didn’t illuminate my understanding of God as much as I’d hoped either.

How about that verse I mentioned in the beginning of this post? We never see a meme quoting Job’s wife:

Job 2_9That one just didn’t bring me any hope at all.

These are all taken straight from God’s word – they even have those compelling images to go with the words – so why aren’t they popular meme verses? It’s because while all Scripture is useful, it’s not all useful in the same way. God’s word doesn’t work that simplistically. Or as Nick Quient said:

“It’s the Bible. We don’t have the luxury of simple.”

Description versus Prescription

The Bible both describes and prescribes. Consider those three memes I proposed:

  • When we’re told how Judas died, it’s not an invitation for us to strive for the same kind of death. It’s merely an explanation to help us understand why the rest of the Apostles chose someone to take his place in Acts 2.
  • To understand the importance of Abraham’s line of descendants through Ishmael, the passage needs to be read in light of all of Israel’s subsequent history. Context always counts.
  • And the quote from Job’s wife is a product of her grief at losing her children in a horrible accident, one she recognized rightly as being allowed by God. Yet we are not encouraged to emulate her but are given her words to understand the revelation of God’s true character in the final chapters of the book of Job.

The need for context doesn’t come up only with verses like those I choose from Genesis, Job and Acts, but when understanding the other verses more common to Scripture memes. For the abiding and love memes you might run across as mentioned above, they are both descriptive and prescriptive: they describe a truth about God and prescribe action on our part. But even memes like these are incomplete.

  • Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. That is true. But to understand a meme referencing what these branches (God’s people) are doing abiding in the vine (which is Christ) you need to read the rest of that passage in John 15 about branches bearing the vine’s fruit, and you should also read Galatians 5 concerning the fruit of the Holy Spirit produced in God’s people. A knowledge of Old Testament passages describing Israel as the vineyard of God would help too.
  • Also, surely the Bible says love is from God and we are to love others as he has loved us. But how great is this love of God? To understand the love of God you need to study Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross and the patient ministry of the Holy Spirit in everyone who belongs to God, as well as read of the relationship God has had with his people from Genesis chapter one to Revelation chapter 22. Memes can’t cover all that.

I’m not down on memes. though. They get people thinking and can encourage you to turn to God with your cares and thanks and struggles and triumphs and questions. God’s word, even verses in isolation, can achieve much.

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12.)

This doesn’t mean you can take God’s word out of context and spout it off willy-nilly. That would be irresponsible (like the three memes I created from Genesis, Job and Acts). God entrusts his word to you to use wisely, through the power of the Spirit of Christ within you. (John 16:13, Ephesians 1:13-14.)

A Meme Bible isn’t the most complete way to learn the word of God, but Bible memes can be a good way to get people thinking about God and his word.

***

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Listening To The Wrong God’s Voice

I thought I heard the voice of God. It wasn’t. No matter how much I wanted it to be, it wasn’t.

It’s not that I didn’t ask. I did. It was in my prayers daily.

“God, if this isn’t your will please let me know.”

But I already knew. I knew what I was doing was not God-approved. I’d read the Bible. I knew what it said. The words of the Bible couldn’t be any plainer.

I already knew.

God's VoiceI kept asking, though, trying to convince myself that God didn’t mind, that he was perfectly fine with my choices. I tried to convince myself not only that my choices were not contrary to God’s will but that they were well within his desire for my life.

They weren’t. As Jim Croce said:

I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn’t real, but that’s not the way it feels
(Jim Croce, Operator, 1972.)

I knew what was real, but I didn’t want to deal with reality. I was like one of the people God spoke of in Isaiah 29:13.

The Lord says: “These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.”

My heart was on my desire, not on my Savior. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that God must approve – else why would I have such strong desires – I couldn’t get around the fact that the Bible clearly prohibited what I wanted, and what I did to get what I wanted.

A Change Came Along

What changed? Not my understanding. That had already been set. I understood that what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted it so badly I did it anyway. No amount of convincing was going to keep me from pursuing that desire.

So what changed? The desire itself.

Almost overnight.

One day I desired the sin. The next day I didn’t.

God took the desire from me. That was the answer to my prayer: “God, if this isn’t your will please let me know.” It turns out I didn’t understand the prayer, but the Spirit did. The answer to the prayer was to change the desire within me.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. (Romans 8:26-27.)

I’m glad God answers prayer, even when it’s not the prayer I thought I was praying.

***

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Mega-Pastors Abandon Patriarchy, Promote Women Leaders

[An appropriate post each April 1.]

In an abrupt about-face, a group of well-known mega-pastors have announced plans to welcome and promote women in all positions of church leadership.

“There are so many passages of women leading men in the Bible,” said Pastor Les Izmoore, director of My Way Ministries. “I don’t know how I hadn’t noticed before. So I did a little experiment and asked the first woman I saw at church last Sunday what she knew about the woman at the well in John 4, the one who led her entire village to Christ.”

“It turned out she knew a lot,” he said, “and helped me understand how that conversation must have looked to the woman Jesus spoke with. Then she gave me a lesson on Samaritan cultural anthropology in contrast with 1st Century Judaism. Who knew?”

The group is also reconsidering its position on the role of wives and husbands.

“It’s a little embarrassing,” said Mickey McMickleson, former pastor of Church Of the Best Sellers. “I was reading that passage in Ephesians about people submitting, but this time out of a Bible that didn’t have those section breaks or subject headings that editors put in. It turns out that the command to submit applies to husbands submitting to wives as much as wives to husbands.”

When asked whether he’d spoke about this revelation with his wife, he said, “Yeah. She asked what took me so long.”

Change is coming not only in the mega-churches but also to seminaries. One professor, who preferred not to be named, admitted he now needed to revise his well-known list of gender roles and functions. “It should be easy. All I have to do is go down the list and remove the headings that label some roles in the church as restricted to men only.”

He showed visible signs of relief. “I am so looking forward to not having to defend that silly list of 83 roles any more.”

Prominent women theologians and pastors welcomed the news, but declined to give statements. As one scholar put it when this reporter called, “I’m in the middle of researching Chaldean architecture as an expression of ancient religious practices, so I haven’t had much time to pay attention to those men. They’ve changed their minds about women, huh? Glad they’re finally catching up with the rest of us.”

***

[The significance of running this post on April 1.]

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On Writing a Book About My Late Husband’s Dementia

[Carol Noren Johnson gives a glimpse of what it’s like to write and then publish a book on marriage, dementia, loss, grief, hope and prayer.]

During the illness of my late husband, Herb Johnson, I kept a blog of what I was experiencing and learning–what was his dementia/Alzheimer’s and how could I cope.  Hu

Carol and Herb

bby never knew I had that blog.  Prayer was a big factor. Early on when we prayed together, Herb asked the LORD to “give me a shot of joy”! Prayer and answers to prayer kept us going, even when Herb prayed the same prayer over and over again as his thinking declined.

At the same time Herb was going downhill, I took seminary counseling classes, free to church members. I sought out biblical counselors such as Dr. Howard Eyrich and my papers for the seminary were peppered with footnotes about dementia. Later after Herb died, grief counselor, Rev. Carl Mahn, helped me with the last chapter on grief that the seminary wanted in my dissertation. What I was learning could get me an Ed.D in biblical counseling—perhaps.

Reality Struck

As a senior citizen and a widow who had now moved from Florida to Huntsville, Alabama where I have family, how would I manage traveling to defend a dissertation? I went to Florida twice and would have to go again. Did I need a degree? Maybe not. But speak on the topic? Bring it on! I have been in Toastmasters for years!

I decided that as a senior I better finish a book that could help others. I had some time to revise my dissertation draft when I substitute taught. There was time in my schedule. Middle school and high school students would often have excellent behavior for me here in Huntsville, Alabama, so that I would rap for them at the end of the period.  Many knew I was writing a book.  Didn’t think I had time to find a real publisher.

So I invested money in a self-publisher, Xlibris, who gave me a discount perhaps because the main manuscript was done.  $900. They told me I could have twenty-five pictures and it was fun to provide them with twenty-five pictures—not something my dissertation would have had.

Problem one. Footnotes from the incomplete dissertation needed permissions that took a lot of time. I learned that poems and hymns needed permission, but small sections of other books did not. I used the New King James Version of the Bible and noted that at the beginning of the book. Our couple friend’s names were changed to “Sally and Jake” and they gave permission to have part of their story in the book.

Problem two. Money. Xlibris made the book available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can get the book as an eBook, hardback or paperback in anyone of three venues. Xlibris marketing wanted more money from me to market the book—to get me on TV, etc., or to sell the book to a “real” publisher. No, I decided. No money for marketing. I marketed my YouTube channel, MC AC The Rap Lady, myself. If 8000 plus people have viewed my rap “Rocket City Ditty”, then maybe the right people will buy the book.

Besides, I want this book to help, even if it doesn’t make money. We need more than deacons in the church to help with this book. As the back cover says:

This book is biographical, practical and theological. It covers strategies to help Christian counselor, pastors and caregivers and friends minister to the needs of care receivers. Behaviors of dementia care receivers and others are detailed, as are strategies for caregiver stress and facing the mourning that follows.

The day I first showed students the book, Getting Through the Dark Days of Caregiving, they clapped louder for me than when I rap!

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Men and Women: a false gender dichotomy of being rational and emotional

People are emotional beings. Yet when it comes to classifying men and women it comes across differently, as Erica Limkeman recently observed:

Isn’t it telling that being “emotional” is considered a feminine quality and is frowned upon, whereas men are often admired for being “passionate.” Go figure. (Erica Limkeman.)

This is because emotional reactions are considered weak, while passion* is strong. It’s a false distinction, of course. What one person calls passionate another might call emotional. It depends on whether the action appears rational or not. And when it comes to being emotional or rational, there are plenty of examples of women and men displaying either.

Even in the Bible.

In 1 Samuel 25 David had not yet been crowned king over all of Israel as King Saul (David’s master) still reigned. David had been anointed as Saul’s successor but he and his men lived as wanderers. From time to time they needed new supplies.

Nabal was a rich farmer with vast flocks, herds and fields. David sent his men to Nabal, pointing out that they had kept watch over his lands to keep them safe from marauders. Nabal refused them any aid.

Nabal answered David’s servants, “Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?”

David’s men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word. David said to his men, “Each of you strap on your sword!” So they did, and David strapped his on as well. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with the supplies. (1 Samuel 25:10-13.)

Abigail, Nabal’s wife, saw disaster approaching.

Abigail acted quickly. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then she told her servants, “Go on ahead; I’ll follow you.” But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

As she came riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, there were David and his men descending toward her, and she met them. David had just said, “It’s been useless—all my watching over this fellow’s property in the wilderness so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. May God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!” (1 Samuel 25:18-22.)

Abigail told David that her husband was a fool and not worth killing, and that he should accept the supplies she brought rather than carry out his plan for revenge. David agreed.

The Prudent Abigail, Juan Antonio de Frias y Escalante (1667), Museo del Prado

David said to Abigail, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.” (1 Samuel 25:32-34.)

Soon after, Nabal died and Abigail married David. (1 Samuel 25:38-42.)

This story is a fascinating tale, and all the more so for the role reversals.

Take a look at the two main characters. Who let emotions dictate action? David. Who acted rationally? Abigail. In this whole event, Nabal’s a fool, David is ruled by anger and feeling unappreciated, and Abigail keeps her head and saves the day.

If she had not stepped in and advised David wisely and rationally, he’d have slaked his blood-thirst at the expense of gaining a powerful ally. Who was that ally? Again, it’s Abigail. From the interaction with her servants it looks like she already managed Nabal’s operations and it’s possible David took it all for himself when he married her.**

Anyone who says women are supposed to be emotional while men get to be rational is not only wrong; they deny the Bible itself. Emotions and clear thinking are found in both women and men.

That’s the way God made us.

***

*Passion itself can be problematic. See The Perils of Passionate Speech.

**If Nabal had male relatives, they might have laid claim to the estate. Whether David would honor that claim is another matter, seeing as how he felt justified to destroy it all when Nabal was still alive.

***

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That Time I Chose a Church My Friends Wouldn’t Approve Of

[Today’s guest post is from Jeanette Hanscome, who writes of the powerful blessings God delivers when women and men engage in the pastoral work God has prepared for them.]

I sat in church getting so much out of the sermon that I couldn’t take notes fast enough, thinking of at least half a dozen friends who would tell me why this congregation was unbiblical. A knot formed in my stomach. If any of those friends visited and I invited them to church, they would feel uncomfortable. They would express their concern during our post-service lunch and point out the obvious flaw:

There were far too many women in leadership here.

This church had two female pastors on staff. One of them was preaching an incredible sermon today.

The amazing worship director was also a woman. So were some of the elders.

I’d been raised in churches where only men preached. Some of my friends were all for women becoming pastors and elders, but I knew more people with strong opinions against it. Their voices scolded me whenever I entered the sanctuary: Oh, Jeanette. I’m afraid for you. God is not pleased with your choice.

How could I feel so drawn to a church that God wouldn’t approve of? And why did what God wouldn’t approve of seem like exactly where I needed to be? Was I that easily deceived?

A Congregation to Love

I hadn’t expected to find a congregation that I loved as much as the one I left behind when divorce forced me and my younger son to move. My dad’s cousin had invited me to this church. She led a Bible study where I was making friends and learning things about Jesus that made me want to get to know him in a deeper way. That group had become a haven of healing.

The church had resources I needed to recover from my divorce and what led to it. Another female pastor oversaw those ministries. She seemed so kind. I could see myself opening up to her. My cousin had started asking me to fill in for her as Bible study leader occasionally, so I was starting to get more involved.

My parents, who’d dropped out of church attendance, had started coming with me on Sundays. So had my sisters, nephews, and niece.

But were any of these benefits legitimate reasons to stay in a church that allowed something I’d been taught was wrong? Did I not trust God to provide another haven—one with fewer females on the platform?

One day, I found myself in tears over my love for this church and my obvious need to move on. God, what am I going to do?

When God Stops You

Then I sensed God stopping me. Did I think I needed to leave because I truly believed this church was unbiblical, or did I feel pressured to because it didn’t look like what I was used to? Was I concerned about what he thought of my choice, or what my friends thought?

Did I even know what the Bible said about women? Really? I knew some women who were pastors. Had I ever thought she’s doing something wrong about those women? No. The whole issue was a confusing mystery to me.

I felt strongly that I was supposed to stay put and pay attention to what God wanted to teach me.

I asked my cousin/friend to help me understand what the Bible had to say about women in leadership, beyond the few verses that had been drilled into my conscience. When reading my Bible, I noticed how Jesus regarded women. I started observing those two female pastors, and the male pastors, and those I knew who served as elders. Each of them was clearly doing exactly what God had gifted him or her to do. And the dynamic of women and men serving together as equals—I’d never seen anything like it.

One Sunday, I arrived at church rattled from a confrontational text from my ex-husband. I saw the female pastor who oversaw Care Ministries and immediately felt drawn to ask…

“Would it be possible to pray?”

“Of course.”

She sat with me, so we could talk for a few minutes. We prayed then talked some more. She gave me a hug. She asked me to check in with her later in the week, and I did. This pastor became a valuable part of my support system.

The Powerful Prayer of a Pastoral Woman

That’s when it clicked. I’d needed to pray with a pastor that day. I’d also needed to pray with a woman. I was struggling with some deep things at the time and needed a go-to pastor but wouldn’t have felt comfortable opening up to a man. I’d been hurt by some men in church leadership and—though I didn’t realize it at the time—had a hard time trusting pastors because of it. But I trusted her.

It occurred to me that when women have a need, we need support from another woman. Needs put us in a vulnerable place. Pastor’s wives are great, so are women’s ministry leaders and Bible study teachers. But sometimes, we need a pastor to go to, and meeting one-on-one with a guy can feel awkward. For some of us, depending on our experiences, it might even feel scary. How can we get the support and guidance we need if all the pastors and elders are men?

God used all of this to reshape what I’d always been taught. More importantly than that, I learned the importance of seeking his guidance rather than blindly basing what is biblical/unbiblical on what the most opinionated believers have to say, which, in my opinion, can be just as dangerous as attending the “wrong” church.

In the end, I learned to stop limiting God to someone else’s comfort zone, or mine.

I learned to make my faith about following Jesus, not people, and to trust him to know where each of us needs to be in order to grow.

If I had left based on what my friends would feel comfortable with if they visited, I would’ve missed out on the church home that I love and serve in. I would’ve missed out on deep healing and growth that came thanks to both men and women using their gifts.

***

Jeanette Hanscome is the author of five books including Suddenly Single Mom: 52 Messages of Hope, Grace, and Promise, as well as a speaker, writer’s workshop leader, freelance editor, and proud mom of two sons (one grown and one teenager). She enjoys spending some of her free time singing at her church and in the Blackhawk Chorus. You can read Jeanette’s weekly blog posts at Jeanettehanscome.com, and connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

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