On Not Missing My Father: a free e-book on the relief of a parent’s death

My father died after a lengthy period where I was the one responsible for his well-being. The short e-book ON NOT MISSING MY FATHER: The Relief of a Parent’s Death goes into our relationship–which was good–and the utter relief and release I experienced the night I got the phone call from his assisted living facility that he was dead.

Relationships play a large role in the article: my father and me, my wife and me, my father and my wife. Stress and anxiety are in this story as well, including the care I put myself under with my doctor and the prescriptions he wrote to keep me able to cope with caring for my father.

Click below to download your free copy of this e-book.

ON NOT MISSING MY FATHER: The Relief of a Parent’s Death

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16 Responses to On Not Missing My Father: a free e-book on the relief of a parent’s death

  1. Gary Sweeten says:

    A powerful description of caretaking.
    We are developing a web and app for caregivers. I can send you one to look at to see if you think it can help people like you. We originally developed it for parents of disabled kids but so many with adult loved ones wanted us to open it up. Thus, we will update some questions in the assessment later but they will work as is.

    • Tim says:

      If you’d like to link it in a reply here, people can check it out.

      • Gary Sweeten says:

        We are developing an online web and application subscription process for Caregivers that is designed to provide stress relief for caregivers. We did in depth research with a few hundred caregivers and have a yearly subscription process that allows people to deal more effectively with the major challenges we uncovered.
        You can access the online link at http://www.familyeq.us

  2. Patricia Villacrusis says:

    I have followed you since Pemberley days, and prayed for you and your father these last few years. I am glad for your relief and hope that you continue to move toward peace. Continued prayers for you and your family.

  3. LInn says:

    I just read through your e-book, and I could identify well with your feelings The last year of my mom’s life was like this. When they finally figured out what was wrong with her, it was just three weeks before she passed. It was a relief as we knew something had been very wrong the entire year, but my mom’s tendency to be a bit of a hypochondriac made the doctors a bit skeptical regarding some of her symptoms. I remember the relief I felt when her struggle was finally over, and how guilty I felt that I was relieved. Now, with ten years of perspective, I know that I did the best I could for her. I also know I couldn’t have done it without hospice. When people ask, I always tell them that hospice did so many things I couldn’t do, and that I couldn’t have walked through that season of life with my mom without them.

  4. Sue Michaels says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and for the book. I have felt so bad about being angry and so stressed over caring for my mother. Looking pictures of myself from just a year ago, I see someone so young and carefree. Believe me I’ve never cared about my looks ever, but the person in the mirror that stares back at me is old, worn out, and tired. My mother is going into assisted living today, but it’s not much of a relief. Making everything worse is the fact that my mother and I have never been close. This year has been HELL!

  5. Tim, I tried to comment using my phone a little while ago, but the comment did not appear, so if you get 2 comments from me just delete whichever one makes the least sense 🙂

    I appreciated reading your e-book. It’s very real and true. There’s no instruction manual for this kind of journey so we just have to walk the path as best we can and resist the platitudes and the should’s. And there’s no manual for the aging/dying person either, is there, despite the fact that we will all be in that place one day. It’s so good if we have resources and supports to help us through. I definitely felt that way with my mom’s illness and death and more recently with Dad’s move to a nursing home.

    I hope you found it helpful to write this. I’m sure it will be a help to other people who are or were in that same position of supporting a parent. Every situation, every set of personal and family dynamics, is unique but there are always a lot of emotions, including very surprising and unexpected ones at times. And every one of those is legitimate.

  6. Ruth says:

    I have read your blog for years and have often been encouraged. My father passed 6 months ago after a long, long road with Alzheimer’s. I expected to feel relief, or peace, or see doves, something deeply beautiful when he died. I was unprepared to feel terrible, and felt guilty I wasn’t at peace he was with the Lord.
    After about a month I had a few glimpses of peace. At 6 months something beautiful did happen. I’m now remembering dad as he was in his real life. The terrible stuff in the last few years isn’t what I think of, I am remembering wonderful times again.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

  7. Nancy Le says:

    I will read thus Tim, and thank you in advance for sharing from your heart.

  8. Thank you, Tim. I felt the waves of emotion that were sweeping through you as you described them in writing and as you remembered experiencing them. Sometimes for me, strong emotions can be felt differently, either as experienced or expressed…

    Over the past few years, I have been thinking and praying about you and your dear father. You have wonderful stories, and equally wonderful memories. I realize some of the memories may not be so wonderful, especially the more recent ones. I am sorry. My deep condoleces are with you. Gentle prayers, too.

    I appreciate your writing, communicating such important things. Deeply emotional matters, too. I hope and pray that this writing was cathartic, in some deep and meaningful way. God’s blessings to you and your family.

    Elizabeth
    @chaplaineliza

    • Wow says:

      Wow. Who admits to not missing their dead father.

      • Linn says:

        I think you are being overly harsh. After my mom passed, there was the initial relief that she was no longer suffering, and I could begin to sleep through the night again. The level of care a critically ill person needs and the constant sorting out of what is/is not a crisis needing immediate attention csn be exhausting. Then, there are the arrangements that need to be made, the people you need to contact, the financial affairs that need sorting out, etc. I definitely missed my mom after she passed, but I really missed her the first Christmas (which came about three months later) because I finally had time to miss her and to feel all the feelings that I had been numb to as I cared for her and then tended to her affairs. It’s also important that each one of us can experience the loss of a loved one differently. As much as I still miss my mom, I didn’t wish her one more day on earth in the critical state she was in. She was suffering too much, and I was relieved when she was released from this life into the next.

        • Tim says:

          Don’t pay any attention to Wow. Wow has a personal grudge against me for some reason, and has repeatedly commented under various aliases. I don’t know who she or he is or what they think I did, but I suspect whoever it is didn’t bother to read the e-book to see what I meant by the title.

        • Headless Unicorn Guy says:

          The relief because their death vented the pressure cooker their dying process kept you in, constantly cranking up the pressure for how long?

        • Tim says:

          Exactly, HUG.

  9. Ruth says:

    I can only say Thankyou for writing about your journey. About 12 years into mine. First my mother with leukaemia and now my father finally in proper care. 91 and so stubborn it took a fall,, hospital for many issues, and him being told he must go onto care. No release until a place was found that suited his needs. Still steel myself twice a day to visit and do complete care including double incontinence situation, then l realise he is being looked after by the best nurses and staff possible. Lots to go yet, but every time l read your book it provides immense comfort. Others do understand and care. Thankyou Tim, God bless.

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