Top Five Books to Leave off Your Summer Reading List – you’ll be glad you did!

Summer reading is some of the best reading. Choose wisely and – whatever you do! – make sure you don’t read these books:

Pride and Prejudicial Error: In this sequel to Pride and Prejudice, Lizzie Bennet’s adventures continue after her marriage to Mr. Darcy. As she sees him carry out his duties as local magistrate, she learns of the law and becomes enamored of the notion she could ascend to the bench. He tries to talk her out of it and that’s when he learns the error of his ways.

Frankenstein’s Monster Truck: In this modern retelling of Mary Shelley’s classic, Victor Frankenstein – a brilliant mechanical engineer – seeks to bring a  truck to life after being unable to find a driver worthy of competing in the championship rally. He tops the truck off with gas and leaves it out in a thunderstorm, where it is struck by a bolt from the sky. The truck awakens but the roar of its engine is more than Frankenstein can take. Feeling the rejection of its creator, the truck roars off and wanders the back roads competing in small town demolition derbies. No one will race against it, as this monster literally crushes every car and truck it faces. Until it ran out of gas and stopped.

The Man Who Would Be King Kong: Two soldier-adventurers in 19th Century India search for fame and fortune, looking for a kingdom of their own to rule. They make their way to a remote Bengali island shrouded in mystery and rumor, hoping their western technology of advanced weaponry will secure their place as rulers. A giant gorilla eats them.

Moby Dick and Jane: Jane is an ambitious marine scientist who wants to find the biggest whale in the world. Follow her adventures as she writes grants proposals, meets with potential funding agencies, and submits government form after government form. This book will have you snoozing in your lawn chair by the third page, guaranteed.

Oliver Twist and Shout: This biography of the young Liverpool orphan who desired  to be a Beatle will strike a chord with everyone who ever dreamed of being a rocker. Oliver grew up down the street from Paul McCartney’s family and hung around the nascent rocker as he started playing music with John Lennon and George Harrison. No matter how much he shouted or twisted in eager anticipation, though, they would not let him join their group as he lacked all musical talent. He went on to invent the air guitar.

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I am always eager for recommendations on other books to avoid. Please leave yours in a comment.

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12 Responses to Top Five Books to Leave off Your Summer Reading List – you’ll be glad you did!

  1. Nick Smith says:

    “Day of the Jack” – French mechanic tries to assassinate Le President with a piece of garage equipment.

  2. Laura Droege says:

    I saw a spoof title on Pinterest: Fifty Shades of Earl Grey. I have no idea what it’s about, but maybe Christian and Ana decide to try fifty variations of the Earl Grey tea blend and meet an expert herbal tea blender who teaches them how to have an egalitarian relationship based on mutual respect, consent, and kindness. Wishful thinking?

  3. Persis L says:

    Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellowship of the Ring – Rather than embark on the quest of destroying the One Ring, the Fellowship chooses to remain in Rivendell and devote themselves to writing songs and epic poetry, strolling through the verdant forest, and creating recipes that use lembas. Sauron wins. The end.

  4. Jeannie Prinsen says:

    I like the Oliver Twist & Shout one best. Huh. They certainly aren’t very welcoming. Whatever happened to “Consider yourself at home”?

    How about Mansfield Parks & Recreation? A touching tale of a sweet woman named Fanny Knope, who is horrified when she hears that at the upcoming staff retreat, her colleagues plan to stage a play. The very idea of staging a play goes against her strict developed moral code — even though playing a romantic scene with her crush, Ben (who is coming along on the retreat so that he can observe the staff’s financial expenditures) does sound inviting. After much soul-searching, she decides to skip the retreat and stay home and read a book, binge Netflix, and eat takeout food. While we never do find out what happened at the retreat or between Fanny and Ben, we salute her for her excellent judgment and wish we too could skip work events and remain at home alone in our pajamas.

  5. So funny, Tim. Thanks for the laugh.

  6. Thanks, Tim. You’ve given me a great idea!

  7. Christina Burke says:

    The Count of Monte Cristo Sandwich. A sandwich is wrongly accused of causing food poisoning. After being sent to the freezer at the CDC for years, the sandwich escapes and brings E. coli, Salmonella, norovirus, and numerous other pathogens with him. He vows revenge on the scientists who locked him up and to place bacteria, viruses, and parasites in the hamburgers, hoagies, subs, and grilled cheese sandwiches that the scientists purchase. In the process of exacting revenge, the Count of Monte Cristo Sandwich meets a lovely cheese frenchee, falls in love, and is persuaded to forgive the scientists who locked him in a freezer. Rated R for graphic depictions of foodborne illness intermingled with graphic descriptions, bordering on erotic, of the deliciousness of sandwiches.

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