2017’s Top Five Movies Never Made

These movie mash-ups might never make it to the big screen, but they still qualify as the top five movies not made in 2017!

20,000 Justice Leagues Under the Sea: Captain Nemo explores the ocean depths, battling sea monsters and pirates alike. But his greatest challenge is fighting off the entreaties of his friend Aquaman who begs Nemo to join a new league of superheroes. Nemo is adamant in his refusal … until he meets Wonder Woman. It has been too long since Nemo visited the island of the Amazons. Will their adventurous romance be smooth sailing or storm-tossed?

Legal Guardians of the Galaxy: A merry band of social workers travels from planet to planet, star system to star system, searching for young ones who have no one to care for them. Hijinks ensue as the little imps (some of whom are literally Imps from the planet Impy) put their guardians through their paces. But will a conflict in intergalactic law break up the new-formed family? The imps and waifs (some of whom are literally Waifs from the planet Waifer) band together to cut through the red tape (literally red tape entangling their ship) drawing it closer and closer to the planet Bureaucracy, from which no one has yet escaped.

Murder on the Orient Express Lane: Hercules Poirot travels to Hong Kong where the Express Lane at the market clearly says 15 items max. All is well until a customer tries to bring through two shopping carts filled to the brim. Tempers flare and death ensues. Will famed detective Poirot solve the Murder in the Orient Express Lane?

The Fates Are Furious: Dom and his gang are out to thwart another evil-doer. Or commit crimes of their own. Or throw a big backyard party with all their friends. It’s so hard to keep track of whether these are good guys or bad guys that the Fates – who would rather everything go along predictably and according to plan – are furious. Until, that is, they realize that every one of the Fast and Furious movies goes completely according to its predictable plan. Which makes the Fates even more furious that they each spent $12 on tickets to watch the latest movie and even more on pop corn and a soda.

Beauty and the Beastie Boys: Belle ventures from the castle and finds herself in another music-filled adventure. The Beast comes looking for her and is about to thrash the Hip Hop artists Belle is with when all of a sudden they break into song. He can’t help but join in, and everyone soon discovers another hidden beauty in the Beast – he’s one talented beatboxer, dropping rhythms and booming out bass drum beats better than the boys have ever heard. The Beastie Boys decide to change their name the Beast’s Boys.

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If you know of another movie mash-up not made in 2017 that should be on this list, please add it in the comments.

Happy New Year!

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12 Responses to 2017’s Top Five Movies Never Made

  1. That Nemo one…. Still a better love story than Twilight. I think I would honestly enjoy guardians of the galaxy as a social worker super hero movie. Come to think of it (especially with the sequel, the team caring for baby Groot),
    that might make a good third movie for the franchise.

    You should write Disney and see what happens…

    • Tim says:

      “So picture a grad student in the middle of her master’s in social work program. She’s looking for an internship and gets picked up by this rag tag group of space adventurers who need someone to help with Baby Groot’s guardianship papers …”

      • Why do I suddenly see Rocket pushing to adopt Groot, while Starlord’s unwilling to commit to that kind of relationship and then Drax worrying that he won’t be able to be a good foster parent because of his daughter. Then Gamora’s daddy issues resurface…
        Fun for law enforcement and children’s welfare workers everywhere!

  2. Murder on the orient express lane is my favorite

  3. Jeannie Prinsen says:

    I enjoyed (or didn’t enjoy) the (nonexistent) movie Dunkirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Cameron evacuates stranded shoppers from a suburban Wal-Mart just in time for Xmas (OOPS I MEANT CHRISTMAS). Harry Styles plays a cameo role as a greeter.

  4. Tim, could you please pray for me?

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