Sticks and Stones and Names that Hurt – a look at girls and boys and the Bible

[Carolyn Custis James provides today’s guest post comparing the lives of girls and boys in a patriarchal culture with what it means to be a daughter or son of the Living God. This post originally appeared on Carolyn’s blog in 2012.]


In Nine Parts of Desire: The Hidden World of Islamic Women, journalist Geraldine Brooks tells the disturbing story of a Palestinian woman who was the fifth daughter in a family desperate for sons. Her parents named her Tamam (meaning “enough” or “finished”) to express their desire for the long run of unwanted girls to end. Several years later, their prayers were answered with the births of two sons.

It doesn’t take much to imagine the deflating effect this had on Tamam’s self-image.

Tamam’s story reminded me of a conversation I had with a young Tanzanian friend. When I asked Kitula what it was like to be his father’s firstborn son, I saw a sudden change in his demeanor. His eyes lit up. His shoulders straightened, and he held his head a little higher. “I am my father’s confidant,” he replied warmly. “My father makes no decision without first consulting me.”

He went on to describe how his siblings esteemed him and deferred to his leadership. Unlike Tamam, his name was a source of understandable pride. At his birth, his father gave his own name to him. Twice. “Kitula Kitula” bore the double honor due the eldest son. He was the pride of his family, the promise of their future. As a son, he would carry on his father’s name, build his father’s house and inherit his father’s wealth.

As a daughter, what troubles me most about these two stories is the fact that they resemble the culture of the Bible—a society where sons were held at a premium and daughters didn’t count. Hannah didn’t pray for a child. She pled for a son. Jacob’s wives were in an all out war to see who could produce the greatest number of sons for their husband. Dinah, the one daughter mentioned, is Leah’s disappointing seventh child—the girl who cheated her mother out of the crowning achievement of producing seven sons.

Biblical scholars go to great lengths to explain why four women’s names were included in Matthew’s genealogy of Jesus. And here’s an unsettling (but hard to miss) bit of trivia: of approximately 3000 characters in the Bible, less than 10 percent are women. A ratio like that makes one wonder if God rejoices in his sons but, apart from rare exceptions, cares less about his daughters.

Does this reflect the teaching of the Bible? Or is the fallen patriarchal culture that forms the backdrop of the Bible simply the best exclamation point to place alongside the true message God is revealing?

After my encounters with Tamam and Kitula, I’m leaning toward the latter.

Now, whenever I come across the word “son” in the text, a richer meaning opens up to me. I am jolted as never before by Paul’s earthshaking words to a group of believers that included women whose births were disappointments to their fathers. What sounds at first to my Western ears like an attempt to exclude women, is exactly the opposite. In one boldly counter-cultural sentence Paul discloses God’s heart for his daughters and elevates women to full status in God’s family. “You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:26, emphasis added).

I am a daughter, to be sure. But my heart is deeply encouraged because I know God values, views, and counts on me as a son. I carry on my Father’s name, build His kingdom and am a full heir alongside my brothers.

No member of God’s family—male or female—will ever bear the name “enough.”


ccjCarolyn Custis James is an award-winning author and international speaker. She blogs at, as a Leading Voice at MissioAlliance, and at Huffington Post/Religion and is an adjunct faculty member at Biblical Theological Seminary. Her books include Malestrom—Manhood Swept into the Currents of a Changing World, Half the Church—Recapturing God’s Global Vision for Women, and The Gospel of Ruth—Loving God Enough to Break the Rules


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10 Responses to Sticks and Stones and Names that Hurt – a look at girls and boys and the Bible

  1. Angie says:

    Poignant reminder to women that we are indeed female sons of God.

  2. Tim says:

    Carolyn, thanks for letting me run this post. It’s a great reminder of how important words are, and why we should choose carefully in our present day.

  3. Beautiful. And that Galatians analysis is wonderful. This may sound like a strange connection, but the other day my husband and I were re-watching Pride & Prejudice. After Lady Catherine has bossily told Elizabeth to stay another week and Elizabeth says her father can’t spare her, Lady C says, “Oh, your father can spare you if your mother can. Daughters are never of much consequence to a father.” I’m so glad that’s not the way God thinks!

  4. Mary Anne says:

    If there’s one thing parents need to STOP IMMEDIATELY, it’s telling their children that old rhyme about “Sticks and stones, etc.” Words DO hurt. Enormously. And the hurt lasts a long time.

    I remembering laughing a bit with a male friend over the idea that I am a “son” of God, and he instantly replied, “Well, if I can be a bride [since the Church is the Bride of Christ] then you can be a son!” About sums it up, I think.

  5. Pingback: How I Got by with a Lot of Help from My Friends | Tim's Blog – Just One Train Wreck After Another

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